


a talk

by e8luhs



Category: Cataclysmalbound
Genre: (mild spoilers a little but i dont really get into detail. so), F/F, Past Abuse, also theyre in love, essentially rivian just talks about her trauma. you know how it is, theyre lesbians.........
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 02:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13044939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e8luhs/pseuds/e8luhs
Summary: rivian and lyreni have a talk about the past, but also the present too





	a talk

Your name is RIVIAN CAPULO, and boy, you _really_ suck at being affectionate.

You and your girlfriend sit on your couch in silence, but not awkwardness. It’s never awkward between you two, even during the most quiet moments where you munch on chips and watch television while she checks in on her moirail and everyone else. Being around her makes your heart feel warm and fuzzy inside, something you’ve never really felt for anyone before. Looking into her eyes gives you butterflies, and a sense of inner peace.

It’s comfortable.

You haven’t felt scared or alone for a long, long time because of her–in fact, quite the opposite–but things from your past still have a tight and unwavering grip on you.  To be quaint, you’re still pretty damn hypervigilant. Every slight movement causes you to recoil in fear; every small mistake of yours causes you to collapse within yourself, sobbing, mumbling all sorts of different variations of apologies, all while Lyreni tries to calm you down. Her attempts at fondness are typically met by your stilted sarcasm–masking your ever-burgeoning, genuine, and pure love for her. Despite Lyreni’s sound advice and comfort that you don’t have to be perfect for anyone–including her–you still feel guilty that things from before still affect you to this day.

As far as you know, it was never something that upset her, nor was it something she ever took too personally. She’s always understood that what you’ve been through with _him_ will make things take a little more time; opening up and realizing that you’re finally, genuinely safe is going to be a process. But you know fairly well that one of her biggest fears is being a bad person, and you also know that, somehow, you must be feeding into that fear in some way with this stuff.

While you’re lost in thought, Lyreni reaches over to tangle her hand in your hair. Instinctively, you recoil; your eyes widening, heart beating a hundred miles an hour. In no less than a fraction of a second you’re transported back in time–your arm is up; ready to block a possible punch, immediately prepared for whatever next battle could possibly begin.

But it’s not her–it’s the _realization_ that hits you.

“Oh my God–fuck, I-I’m sorry, Lyreni,”–you stumble over your words, putting your arm down–“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m so fucking _stupid_ , I–”

She immediately backs off in response. “It’s okay! I’m sorry for scaring you. I forgot to ask before I went to touch your hair, but I’ll make sure that I remember to next time!”

You blink, and you suppose the expression on your face reads as ‘confused and mildly alarmed’, because she continues.

“It’s not your fault, okay? You haven’t done anything wrong, don’t worry.”

  The two of you stare at eachother, then get back to what you were doing for another few moments. But soon after, those few words come out of your mouth again before you can even think; as if it’s just the kneejerk response.

“I’m sorry, ‘Reni.”

Lyreni types up a last few couple of things, closes her husktop and pulls all of her attention onto you. “Rivian… You don’t have to be sorry. I know it’s not on purpose, but I forgive you either way.”

The ease of earning her forgiveness makes your heart grow heavy for a reason you can’t even begin to describe–the concept of such unconditional and honest forgiveness continues to be foreign to you.

“Why would you forgive me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“…I don’t know. Well, I guess I kind of do–I mean–well, I don’t–” You pause, taking a deep breath to regain your composure. “I don’t know. I’m not feeling really great right now. I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm you; you’re already kind of busy with a lot as is.” You run your hand through your hair, pushing your bangs out of your face. “Someday you’re going to, like, seriously die from all the shit you force yourself to deal with. You know those corals that die when they’re too stressed out? That’s going to be you some day.”

She giggles a bit. “Yeah, yeah… But you and I both know that you never stress me out. I always have time for you.”

To this, you raise an eyebrow. You can remember quite a few occasions where she’s gotten stressed out by others and–instead of voicing that–just went and bottled it up. She has a tendency of doing that with all of her feelings, really.

“Seriously, I mean it! When I _do_ get stressed now I try to talk to you about it, so don’t worry about me.” She says, a soft smile across her face. “And hey, don’t try turning this around. This is about _you_ , so tell me what’s bothering you!” she says, and invites you to put your head in her lap. “C’mere.”

You hesitate for a moment, wondering if it’s genuinely okay, but decide ultimately that she wouldn’t offer unless she was fine with it. You scoot over a bit, put your head on her lap, and look up at her gorgeous face.

“I guess I’ve just been thinking about… Everything.” You begin, and Lyreni nods thoughtfully at this statement.

“Go on.”

“I feel guilty about what happened before with Kapreo. I’m probably half of the reason they have such bad anxiety. That, and I feel guilty about the whole thing with…”–you waver a bit, but push on–“… Him.”

“What do you mean?” Lyreni asks, a look of concern in her eyes. “If you’re comfortable answering, at least.”

“I mean, Vergas was just doing what he was supposed to do, right? Isn’t a kismesissitude _supposed_ to be competitive and intense like that? He was doing his job. Like, really, he was trying to push me so I’d become stronger. I was honestly just too weak to handle it and too stupid to comprehend it. But now, it’s… It’s like I’m on guard all the time. I flinch at everything. I can’t do anything anymore like a _normal_ person and it’s all _my_ fault.”

Lyreni tenses up at _his_ name–as does everyone at this point–but she takes a second and regains her cool.

“You aren’t weak, Rivian, and it most certainly wasn’t your fault. What Vergas put you through wasn’t right. He’s a pathetic douchebag who had no respect for your boundaries–you as a whole, even! There's _no_ excuse for how he treated you.”

“Yeah, I know, but… I feel like If I stayed, I could have changed that. I could have made him a better person if I just took the time to really figure him out.”

She processes your words, stopping to have a sip of her coffee. “I don’t mean to sound like I’m giving up on someone, but there was no point with him. No matter how many times you–or any of us–could have tried to prod him in the right direction, he’d never even bother to budge.”

“Do you think that he even knew what he was doing? Like, do you think he knew it was wrong?”

“I have no idea, but that doesn’t make it right.” Lyreni hesitated. “And you know what? It doesn’t matter whether he knew or not, either. What _does_ matter is that Vergas was flat-out abusive.”

You sigh and take a moment to understand what she just said to you. ‘Abuse’ still feels like such a heavy word to put on what happened, but you _know_ that it’s the truth. You begin to feel yourself slipping away just thinking about it–unsure if the world around you is real. It was your permanent state when you lived with _him_ , and sometimes even just _talking_ about him can bring that hazy, weird numbness back.

“But,” she continues; somewhat bringing you back out of that dream-like state with her soothing voice, “stuff with Kapreo was… It was complicated. But they understand that you were going through a lot when it happened. They’re still a little wary, sure, but… It was a lot, you know? On both sides.”

“Right.”

“I know it’s just words, and I know I can’t change how you view yourself, but… You’re a good person, Rivian. We all make mistakes.”

“I’d be the one telling you that right now, usually.”

“Well, I’ve learned from the experts.” She jokes, a soft smile on her face. “I had to be told that a lot by you, y'know, and look where we are now. The tables have turned.”

You nod.

Both of you sit together in silence again, but she asks quietly if she can pet your hair. You say yes, and in return you ask quietly if you can kiss her, and she says yes as well. Her lips are softer than your favorite pillow.

“I love you, Rivian.” She whispers. “I love you so, so much.”

“I love you, too.” You murmur in response.

Lyreni braids and un-braids sections of your hair, relaxing enough to almost put you to sleep right in her arms.

You won’t be able to get over the past any time soon, but no matter how much the guilt and fear and anger plagues you, you at least have people who understand you. You aren’t alone, cornered or caught anymore. Right now, you’re free; your head is in the lap of your girlfriend, her hands in your hair, your love for her forevermore pounding in your cerulean blood-pumper.

You’re finally, _finally_ comfortable.


End file.
